Friday Funny

I got this as an E-mail forward.

The Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered "1"
FOR A REASON!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, You probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really !

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or BASKETBALL.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

Angela's Reception

Things went much better tonight that I was fearing. Seeing Kate and her husband really didn't phase me as much as I was anticipating. Most of my mood was my normal it's a wedding and I'm single sorta blues. The reception was very nice, great food, a good DJ and good friends.

There is someone that I'd like to ask out(and she's actually single), but I have no clue whether she would be at all open to it or not. The real problem is that she lives in another state so the normal get together as friends bit is a bit challenging. I wish women were easier to read.

Angela's Wedding

Today my friend Angela was married to her husband Charlie. It was a very nice wedding Mass. Right now I'm sitting in the hotel in Peoria (sans WiFi ... GASP) writing this in offline mode while watching the Cubs on TV. One thing really struck me today and it had nothing to do with Angela or Charlie. During the Eucharist, the priest only offered the Body to the congregation. Only the bride, groom, servers and the priest were offered the Blood. I've never really thought about it in the past because it has never happened, but I felt kind of slighted that both species were not offered by the priest.

The other thing that as a musician slightly confused me was that the congregation was not invited to sing with the musicians for the songs during the Wedding. It would seem to me that especially in special liturgies the Vatican II call for full, conscious and active participation would be paramount to help give the community's AMEN to the bond being formed in front of them. Hope I didn't overstep my bounds by singing One Bread, One Body from memory during Communion. ;-)

After the ceremony I follwed a caravan back to the hotel where we're all staying. After three trips to the front desk I finally got assigned to the right room with the right key. I've definitely been spoiled traveling with Dot and staying in mostly Hamptons and Hilton Inn and Gardens.

The reception is upcoming and after talking with my ex-fiance and her husband after the wedding I think I'll do ok. I was really worried that some deep long forgotten wound would burst open and I wouldn't be able to handle things, but so far so good.

Quote of the Day

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
- Tom Lehrer

Virginia Tech

In the aftermath of the horrific tragedy that occurred yesterday at Virginia Tech, many people will ask why and where was God? These are normal reactions, but I believe that today's account of a Professor, a Holocaust survivor, that saved the lives of his students by giving his life to barricade the classroom door is a testament to God's presence. God was there in the classrooms. Let us all pray for the students, faculty and relatives in their time of need.

Ponderings

Ah, spring is here, smell the scents of flowers and freshly cut grass wafting through the air. And in the mailbox amid the bills and junk mail, a small stream of those fancy envelopes with their "LOVE" stamp. Yup wedding invitations. As usual this puts me into a pensive mood.

I start to wonder when it will be that I'll at least have a date to take with me to a wedding. Of course long term I wonder if I'll ever have a wedding of my own.

On a more immediate pondering, I have two tickets for a Billy Joel concert in St. Louis for the 25th. At the time I bought them back in January I had a hope that I would have a girlfriend by now to go with. I really don't like going to things like this alone. I really want to go, but I'm not sure if I'd rather go alone and waste a ticket or if I'd rather find some couple that would like to buy the tickets off of me and spend my loneliness at home.

Is love such a hard thing to ask for?

Lyrical Thought #48

Exsultet

MP3

Rejoice, heavenly powers! Sing, choirs of angels!
Exult, all creation around God's throne!
Jesus Christ, our King, is risen!
Sound the trumpet of salvation!

Rejoice, O earth, in shining splendor,
radiant in the brightness of your King!
Christ has conquered! Glory fills you!
Darkness vanishes for ever!

Rejoice, O Mother Church! Exult in glory!
The risen Savior shines upon you!
Let this place resound with joy,
echoing the mighty song of all God's people!

My dearest friends,
standing with me in this holy light,
join me in asking God for mercy,

that he may give his unworthy minister
grace to sing his Easter praises.



Deacon: The Lord be with you.
People: And also with you.
Deacon: Lift up your hearts.
People: We lift them up to the Lord.
Deacon: Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.
People: It is right to give him thanks and praise.

It is truly right
that with full hearts and minds and voices
we should praise the unseen God, the all-powerful Father,
and his only Son, our Lord Jesus Christ.


For Christ has ransomed us with his blood,
and paid for us the price of Adam's sin to our eternal Father!

This is our passover feast,
when Christ, the true Lamb, is slain,
whose blood consecrates the homes of all believers.

This is the night
when first you saved our fathers:
you freed the people of Israel from their slavery
and led them dry-shod through the sea.

This is the night
when the pillar of fire destroyed the darkness of sin!

This is night
when Christians everywhere,
washed clean of sin and freed from all defilement,
are restored to grace and grow together in holiness.

This is the night
when Jesus Christ broke the chains of death
and rose triumphant from the grave.

What good would life have been to us,
had Christ not come as our Redeemer?
Father, how wonderful your care for us!
How boundless your merciful love!
To ransom a slave you gave away your Son.

O happy fault,
O necessary sin of Adam,
which gained for us so great a Redeemer!


Most blessed of all nights,
chosen by God to see Christ rising from the dead!


Of this night scripture says:
"The night will be as clear as day:
it will become my light, my joy."

The power of this holy night dispels all evil,
washes guilt away, restores lost innocence,
brings mourners joy;
it casts out hatred, brings us peace,
and humbles earthly pride.

Night truly blessed when heaven is wedded to earth
and man is reconciled with God!

Therefore, heavenly Father,
in the joy of this night,
receive our evening sacrifice of praise,
your Church's solemn offering.


Accept this Easter candle,
a flame divided but undimmed,
a pillar of fire that glows to the honor of God.


(For it is fed by the melting wax,
which the mother bee brought forth
to make this precious candle.)

Let it mingle with the lights of heaven
and continue bravely burning
to dispel the darkness of this night!




May the Morning Star which never sets
find this flame still burning:
Christ, that Morning Star,
who came back from the dead,
and shed his peaceful light on all mankind,
your Son, who lives and reigns for ever and ever.
Amen.

Exsultet in Latin

MP3

Exultet iam angelica turba caelorum:
exultent divina mysteria:
et pro tanti Regis victoria tuba insonet salutaris.


Gaudeat et tellus tantis irradiata fulgoribus:
et, aeterni Regis splendore illustrata,
totius orbis se sentiat amisisse caliginem.


Laetetur et mater Ecclesia,
tanti luminis adornata fulgoribus:
et magnis populorum vocibus haec aula resultet.


Quapropter astantes vos, fratres carissimi,
ad tam miram huius sancti luminis claritatem,
una mecum, quaeso,
Dei omnipotentis misericordiam invocate.
Ut, qui me non meis meritis
intra Levitarum numerum dignatus est aggregare,
luminis sui claritatem infundens,
cerei huius laudem implere perficiat.

Vers. Dominus vobiscum.
Resp. Et cum spiritu tuo.
Vers. Sursum corda.
Resp. Habemus ad Dominum.
Vers. Gratias agamus Domino Deo nostro.
Resp. Dignum et iustum est.

Vere dignum et iustum est,
invisibilem Deum Patrem omnipotentem
Filiumque eius unigenitum,
Dominum nostrum Iesum Christum,
toto cordis ac mentis affectu et vocis ministerio personare.

Qui pro nobis aeterno Patri Adae debitum solvit,
et veteris piaculi cautionem pio cruore detersit.

Haec sunt enim festa paschalia,
in quibus verus ille Agnus occiditur,
cuius sanguine postes fidelium consecrantur.

Haec nox est,
in qua primum patres nostros, filios Israel
eductos de Aegypto,
Mare Rubrum sicco vestigio transire fecisti.

Haec igitur nox est,
quae peccatorum tenebras columnae illuminatione purgavit.

Haec nox est,
quae hodie per universum mundum in Christo credentes,
a vitiis saeculi et caligine peccatorum segregatos,
reddit gratiae, sociat sanctitati.

Haec nox est,
in qua, destructis vinculis mortis,
Christus ab inferis victor ascendit.

Nihil enim nobis nasci profuit,
nisi redimi profuisset.
O mira circa nos tuae pietatis dignatio!
O inaestimabilis dilectio caritatis:
ut servum redimeres, Filium tradidisti!

O certe necessarium Adae peccatum,
quod Christi morte deletum est!
O felix culpa,
quae talem ac tantum meruit habere Redemptorem!

O vere beata nox,
quae sola meruit scire tempus et horam,
in qua Christus ab inferis resurrexit!

Haec nox est, de qua scriptum est:
Et nox sicut dies illuminabitur:
et nox illuminatio mea in deliciis meis.

Huius igitur sanctificatio noctis fugat scelera, culpas lavat:
et reddit innocentiam lapsis
et maestis laetitiam.
Fugat odia, concordiam parat
et curvat imperia.

O vere beata nox,
in qua terrenis caelestia, humanis divina iunguntur!¹

In huius igitur noctis gratia, suscipe, sancte Pater,
laudis huius sacrificium vespertinum,
quod tibi in hac cerei oblatione sollemni,
per ministrorum manus
de operibus apum, sacrosancta reddit Ecclesia.

Sed iam columnae huius praeconia novimus,
quam in honorem Dei rutilans ignis accendit.
Qui, licet sit divisus in partes,
mutuati tamen luminis detrimenta non novit.

Alitur enim liquantibus ceris,
quas in substantiam pretiosae huius lampadis
apis mater eduxit.²

Oramus ergo te, Domine,
ut cereus iste in honorem tui nominis consecratus,
ad noctis huius caliginem destruendam,
indeficiens perseveret.
Et in odorem suavitatis acceptus,
supernis luminaribus misceatur.

Flammas eius lucifer matutinus inveniat:
Ille, inquam, lucifer, qui nescit occasum:
Christus Filius tuus,
qui, regressus ab inferis, humano generi serenus illuxit,
et vivit et regnat in saecula saeculorum.

Resp. Amen.

¹ This sentence follows apis mater eduxit in the Latin. It is shown here to correspond with its placing in the English.

² This sentence has no equivalent in the standard English version.

Musical Tradition

As most people who know me know, I am very big on music, especially when it comes to its use in Liturgy. Meanwhile it would probably shock the same people that I would be wondering what happened to some traditional music in the Triduum celebrations this year in my Parish. Holy Thursday went as much as one would think including Tanto Ergo for the procession of the Holy Eucharist to the chapel. Last night at Good Friday though, I was thinking when we were doing the Good Friday petitions(for non-Catholics these are normally done at Mass, but on Good Friday they are extended in length and importance) that something was just missing. Then it hit me, chant. Yes me the guy that's always turning his nose up at chant missed some Gregorian Chant in the Liturgy. I started thinking and remembered that growing up the petitions were intoned by a cantor and the congregation responded also in song. At this point I went thumbing through the Breaking Bread looking for the way I remembered it and found only the 10 petitions and a note about the Deacon or Cantor leading it in song, but none of the chant was there. Also missing was the break in each petition where the leader would call the congregation to kneel and then after a moment of silence stand to continue on with the other petitions.

Maybe I revere tradition and ritual more than I thought I did? Tonight is the Easter Vigil, the Holiest celebration of the liturgical year. Judging from last year I know that I'll be disappointed by another chant, the Exsultet, which is sung to conclude the Service of Light at the beginning of the Mass. Usually it is up to the Priest or Deacon to sing this chant, but they have the option to allow a cantor to sing it as well. The priest that will sing it tonight is a good singer so he is more than capable of singing it, but the unique chant in the Sacramentary written for the Exsultet was last year replaced with a rather boring generic chant mode last year that really didn't do justice to the text of the Exsultet. I had the privilege to sing the Exultet three years in a row for Fr. Bill Kottenstette's Parish in Memphis, MO and so maybe that is why it is so important to me.

Maybe too it's because I'm starting to see songs that were my favorites growing up disappearing from the common repertoire of the Catholic Church. For example, I am now in my 8th year of being in congregations where singing "On Eagle's Wings" is unofficially banned because "it's a funeral song". This pigeon holing of songs drives me nuts. Another song that has seemed to slowly disappear off the map is "Send us as Your Blessing Lord". Is this the curse that we as Catholics have brought on ourselves by using constantly changing soft bound hymnals? Yet at the same time I don't want to stagnate and never grow or change or add new songs.

Regardless of my frustrations, the Easter Vigil liturgy will still be the highlight of the year and I encourage all of you to find your closest Catholic Church and attend tonight.